Same Sex Attracted Sam

February 4, 2019

The moment I knew I was same sex attracted was one of the most difficult moments of my life. My heart broke into a million pieces as pain shook my body and soul. The fantasies of my future wedding evaporated and I sunk to the floor in tears as I lost visions of holding my first natural born child.

It became a nightmare I couldn’t awaken from and what worsened that nightmare was the nagging urge within my body to act in disobedience to God.

I was twenty one years old when the urges became real – only two years after becoming a believer at the age of 19. I felt deceptive and two-faced like my entire conversion had been a lie. I had an in-depth love for Christ and now our entire relationship felt like a fraud.

I made a promise of obedience and now maintaining that promise seemed impossible. How could I serve a God who despised who I was? On top of losing the hopes of a spouse and child, I feared eventually I would lose the love of my life, Jesus Christ.

In my years before Christ, my attractions mashed together with the rest of my sinful nature. I had fallen short from the glory of God, and I indulged in my passions.

I still remember my first same sex crush at the age of twelve. I thought nothing of it. In my mind, good and evil were muddled and freedom was in sin. Heterosexuality and homosexuality were on a level playing field – the same yet different. I admired those who were courageous enough to live out their wants and desires to the upmost. I grew up in an abusive household where even the truest of my wants were forcibly denied. I was forced to hate myself before I could even become myself, making living out a same sex relationship that much more desirable.

Then in the midst of these desires, I came to know a Savior who provides the ultimate joy and peace. I came to know what it meant to be rescued from sin  and most importantly, I came to know righteousness.

With light came darkness – while my heart praised the Lord, my flesh was sown in homosexuality. I believed God despised me, because that’s what the enemy wanted me to believe. I was never despised by God. He never hated me. Christ demonstrated his love for me when He died on the cross and I was no where close to losing Him. My same sex attraction was not stronger than the love of God. Through Christ I found joy and freedom from sin.

You can read more about Sam on her blog: https://www.thestruggleblog.com/

More about Samantha Bartee

I'm a free spirit. I hate rules and legalism. I love art and nature, music, the beach and dogs. I like to garden, take pictures and read. I tend to speak my mind and have a rip-the-band-aid -off approach to life. (Brace yourself, this might hurt.)

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